When Conversations Feel Like Progress But Nothing Changes

When Knowing Isn't Enough Series | Part 3

I had to start separating the idea of being understood from the experience of actually having my needs met, because for a long time, I treated them like they were the same thing. And I don’t think I’m alone in that because a lot of us do this without realizing it, treating understanding like proof that something is changing. I equated understanding with action and I could help you understand what I needed and why I needed it, then you would meet the need.

Sometimes the conversation feels good, and you walk away thinking something shifted, only to realize later that nothing actually did.

And in a lot of ways, they did understand. We would have conversations, and they would repeat things back or say things that showed me they heard me. We could have the same conversation for weeks, months, sometimes years, and as long as we were talking about it, I believed something was moving. There was something about that that kept me in it longer than I probably needed to be. Because the conversation felt like progress.

When I was married, there would be promises of change, followed by some effort toward giving me what I said I needed. And because I had gone without it for so long, I felt grateful, happy, excited even, over the smallest shifts. It didn’t take much. When you have been waiting long enough, the smallest offering can feel like abundance. And you don't even question it. I had adjusted so gradually that I didn't recognize the adjusting. I just knew that something small felt like so much. And then, almost as quickly, the effort would stop. He would go back to being who he had always been. Nothing changed. It became frustrating, confusing, disorienting even, to realize that someone can know what your needs are, understand them, and still not meet you in the ways that matter. And that took a while for me to be honest with myself about.

So in other relationships I had to stop asking myself if I was being heard, because I was being heard. The follow-through just wasn't there. So I had to start asking something different. Am I actually being met?

When I thought about it in reverse, if someone shared a need with me and I understood it, I would either work to meet that need or, over time, recognize that I couldn't and communicate that clearly so they could decide what they wanted to do. But when I flipped it and looked at it from the other direction, it got more complicated. Because sometimes you can understand something completely and still not agree with it. And that lack of agreement is what keeps you from meeting the need, not a lack of understanding.

When I was married to my children's father, he needed me to support him in how we parented. We had an agreement that we would address disagreements privately and present a united front in front of the kids. I followed that for a long time, until I started to feel like some of the things being said and done were negatively impacting my children. I would bring it up privately, explain my perspective, draw from my own experiences, my education, and everything I understood about what was happening. He would hear me, and then go out and do what he wanted to do.

And one day I had a thought. If I were to die today, would I die with my children thinking that what was happening in our home was okay, that I thought it was okay?

That answer didn't sit well with me, so I changed my approach. After years of talking, correcting, and advocating behind closed doors, I started speaking up in real time, whether my children were present or not, because I needed them to know that I did not think those things were okay.

My children's father had a need for me to stand with him in parenting, and I understood that need. But I fundamentally disagreed with what was happening, and I had to choose alignment with my values over meeting that need. There were consequences. I often say that was the beginning of the end of my marriage.

And when I brought that back to my own relationships, I couldn't ignore it. If I could understand a need and still not meet it because I disagreed with it, then maybe that was true on the other side too. And so they chose themselves, just like I did. I can't say that definitively, because I'm not in their head. But I know what it is to understand a need, know how to meet it, and still not do it because it does not align with who you are. And if someone holds a core belief that conflicts with what you need, no amount of explaining will change that. So sometimes being heard isn't the problem, the lack of alignment is. And at some point you have to ask yourself what matters more, being heard, or being met, and then govern yourself accordingly.

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